Mayhem: Managing Sibling Drama Without Losing Your Sanity- Thanks, ABA!

I grew up in a big family — the middle child in a loud, messy, and fiercely loyal pack of six kids (where I was allowed to wail on my brother, but no one else better touch him- that kind of loyalty) .

Sibling loyalty. Wednesday gets it.

We were rambunctious, stubborn, sometimes mildly violent, and almost always in each other’s business (my poor mother!) . Herding six strong-willed personalities was no small task, and I remember my mother pulling every parenting trick she could find (and a few she invented on the fly).

Looking back now, what amazes me most isn’t just that she kept us alive — it’s that she, along with my dad, somehow managed to build something lasting between us: a bond that has only grown stronger as the years have passed.

When we lost our mom in 2007, and our dad not long after in 2013, that bond mattered more than ever. Grieving them was — and still is — its own kind of heartbreak. But having each other softened the edges. The way we fell into laughter over old stories, the way we knew exactly what needed to be said (or not said) — it didn’t erase the loss, but it reminded me of the gift our parents gave us: each other.

Since then, we’ve made it a tradition to gather once a year, just the six of us, for what we call "Sibling Weekend." No partners, no kids — just us. We spend the weekend talking, laughing, and simply being together — messy, clumsy, imperfect, and completely ourselves. It’s one of the things I treasure most in my life.

Sibling love is a strange and wonderful kind of love — it knows your worst moments and loves you anyway. It’s the kind of bond that doesn’t disappear when the people who built your family are gone. It lives on.

So, this blog is deeply personal to me. I write it with the hope that other parents can help that same kind of bond grow between their own little ones — a bond that will outlast childhood squabbles and teenage eye rolls. Because one day, when we as parents are no longer the ones reminding our children how wonderful, capable, and deeply loved they are, their siblings will still be there. A source of love, a reminder of who they are, and a piece of home they can carry with them always.

Sibling Relationships: Tiny Training Grounds for Life

Sibling relationships are some of the most important (and complicated) ones kids will ever have. They teach negotiation, compromise, empathy, and the critical life skill of learning to share the last cookie without declaring full-blown war.

And while some sibling squabbling is as natural as breathing, there’s a lot you can do — using ideas rooted in Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) — to create a home where connection and cooperation can bloom.

Here’s a gameplan to help nurture that sibling love, even when it’s buried under a pile of Lego pieces and arguments over who touched who first.

1. Set Clear Expectations (and Reinforce the Good Stuff)

First things first: kids aren’t born knowing how to be good siblings. “Play nice with your sister” is about as clear as telling someone to "just drive responsibly" without teaching them what a turn signal is.

While this is arguably one of the most precious scenes in cinematic history, the message for young Drew Barrymore was vague.

From an ABA perspective, behaviour thrives when expectations are clear and reinforced. Start by defining exactly what "being a good sibling" looks like in your house- basically we are setting the foundation here in good manners. For example:

• Asking to borrow toys instead of grabbing them

• Using kind words during disagreements

• Inviting each other to play

• Helping each other with tasks

Once you’ve set these expectations, catch them doing it right! Praise, high-fives, or even a quick, "I love how you shared with your brother just now!" can go a long way. Positive reinforcement strengthens the behaviours you want to see — much more effectively than lecturing about what went wrong.

Pro tip: Be specific with your praise. “Good job” is nice, but “I love how you asked first before taking the toy — that was super kind!” tells them exactly what behaviour to keep doing.

2. Teach Conflict Resolution Like It’s a Skill (Because It Is)

When kids fight, it’s tempting to swoop in, separate them, and play judge and jury. (“You! Time out. You! Give back the dinosaur. Everyone stop yelling!”)

But if the goal is to build long-term skills, not just survive the moment, we need to teach them how to handle disagreements. Treat conflict resolution like any other life skill, using:

• Modelling ("Let’s practice what it sounds like to tell your sister you’re upset without shouting.")

• Role-playing ("Pretend your brother took your toy — what could you say?")

• Prompting ("Try telling him, ‘I don’t like that. Please give it back.’”)

Then, of course, reinforce even tiny efforts toward calm communication. It’s about practice, not perfection.

And yes, you might feel like a broken record sometimes. That’s okay. Broken records still get the song across. You may notice that some of the points I am making here are also verrry similar to points made in previous blogs (repetition, repetition, repetition...)

Think about how many times Splinter had to talk to these boys about conflict and resolution! Results speak for themselves. ;)

3. Create Opportunities for Positive Interaction

In ABA, we talk a lot about antecedent strategies — setting up the environment to make good behaviour more likely. When it comes to siblings, that means planning positive interactions instead of waiting and hoping they happen naturally (spoiler alert: they often don’t).

Here are some easy ways to set them up for success:

• Collaborative games (think building a puzzle together, not just side-by-side play)

• Shared projects (baking cookies, building a blanket fort, making a silly home movie, creating a dance routine to get on Dick Clark's New years Rockin' Eve)

• Team missions ("Can you guys work together to clean up the playroom in five minutes? I’ll time you!")

Shared goals! Getting on Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve

The more positive shared experiences they rack up, the more they start to associate each other with good feelings — instead of just “the person who stole my chair.”

4. Build Camaraderie with a Common “Enemy” (Spoiler: It’s the parents)

Here’s a little secret: nothing bonds siblings faster than teaming up against a bigger force — and if you’re willing to play along, that force can be you.

In the spirit of good fun (and skill-building), give your kids harmless reasons to conspire together. When siblings share a goal — even if it’s just trying to stay up past bedtime without you catching them — they build trust, teamwork, and a shared sense of adventure.

Some ways to strategically become the “lovable villain”:

• Play dumb when they “trick” you into letting them have two bedtime stories instead of one.

• Create fake "missions" where they have to outsmart you, like scavenger hunts or secret handshake challenges.

• Celebrate their teamwork, even when you “lose” — nothing bonds siblings like the shared thrill of a victorious heist (even if it’s just sneaking cookies).

Want to take it to the next level? Turn it into a skill-building exercise:

• Challenge them to work together to make a persuasive argument. Example: "If you and your sibling can come up with a good, respectful rebuttal on why you should get a later curfew, we’re willing to hear it." (this is especially effective for teens and fosters that lookin' out for each other mentality)

• This kind of "mission" teaches communication, negotiation, collaboration, and perspective-taking — all while deepening their bond.

Plus, it gives them a safe, fun outlet to "beat the system" (the 'rents) in a way that actually builds life skills — and a lifelong friendship.

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991). Burying a body... teaches all the above skills and bonds siblings. However, not the recommended method to achieve this. ;)

5. Avoid Playing Referee (Most of the Time)

This one’s tough, but hear me out: when safe to do so, let kids work out minor disagreements on their own.

If you jump in to solve every little squabble, you unintentionally reinforce tattling, escalating behaviour ("Moooom, she looked at me!"), and you rob them of the chance to practice those conflict skills you're teaching.

Instead, try:

• Staying neutral: "It sounds like you two are having a hard time. Let me know if you need help finding a solution."

• Praising problem-solving: "I noticed you figured out how to take turns without arguing — that’s awesome!"

Of course, if it gets physical or genuinely unsafe, you step in. But for the "he’s breathing too loudly" type battles? Let them sweat it out a bit. It builds resilience.

6. Celebrate the Wins — Big and Small

Finally, don’t wait for some magical day when your kids skip through a meadow hand-in-hand before celebrating their relationship.

Notice and reinforce the small wins:

• The three minutes they played without fighting

• The apology (even if it was mumbled into the carpet)

• The random high-five during a board game

• OR allowing them to build bunk beds so they can have more fun in their room together.

  
  

  Reinforcing hanging out by allowing some novel ways to spend time together.

Building strong sibling bonds is a marathon, not a sprint. Every small positive interaction matters — and over time, those tiny bricks build something sturdy and lasting.

(Also, one day when they’re adults, and you hear them laughing together over inside jokes, you’ll know it was all worth it.)

Final Thoughts

Siblings will argue. They’ll steal toys, tattle, and occasionally believe with their whole hearts that they’ve been wronged beyond repair over who got the bigger pancake.

But with clear expectations, lots of positive reinforcement, intentional teaching, a dash of clever team-building (at your own expense), and a good sense of humour, you can help lay the groundwork for a relationship that’s less WWE Smackdown and more we’re-in-this-together.

And hey — if nothing else, at least you’re raising kids who know how to apologize, work as a team, and maybe, just maybe, share the last cookie without a fight.

(Probably.)