Self-Care Isn’t a Luxury—It’s the Maintenance You Deserve.

(A letter to parents from someone currently wearing 3 layers and a hoodie indoors)

Dear Keeper of the Snacks, the Schedules, and the Last Nerve- also known as "the parent",

Right now, as I write this, I am wrapped in a blanket burrito, wearing socks, and a hoodie, wondering how my body can feel simultaneously feverish and freezing. I’ve got a head cold, and frankly, I’m not winning any parenting awards today.

There are dishes in the sink ( I don't care). The to-do list has gone rogue (nothing is getting done) . There is a mountain of Kleenex and bags of Halls menthol wrappers scattered across my coffee table, and I’m pretty sure someone ate cereal for dinner last night (maybe me).

But being this run-down reminded me of something I wanted to say—something that might be more important than whatever you were supposed to cross off your list today.

You’re allowed to care for yourself without making it a federal case. In fact, you kind of have to.

Before we go any further, let me be clear: this is not a "how to self-care" blog. You don’t need another person telling you to light a candle, take a bath, or download yet another mindfulness app you’ll forget exists by next Tuesday.

You already know what helps you reset—whether it's movement, quiet, laughter, or just 10 minutes alone in your car scrolling cat memes in silence (true story- ask my friends who are on the receiving end of many cat memes via Instagram). This isn’t about what you do. It’s about why it matters.

Let’s Talk Oxygen Masks

You know that classic airplane metaphor, right? The one where they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before assisting others? It’s a cliché because it’s true.

But here's the part they don’t emphasize enough: If you pass out from lack of oxygen trying to help everyone else first, you can't help anyone. You're out. Game over. Someone else has to step in.

That’s not weakness. That’s biology.

The parenting version of this is running on fumes while trying to be everything for everyone, then wondering why you're burned out, irritable, and sobbing quietly while folding socks.

You weren’t meant to run like this. No one was.

Forget the oxygen masks!

Here’s the Science-y Bit (Stay With Me)

We know instinctively that being emotionally worn down makes it harder to parent the way we want to—but the science backs it up too. Self-regulation in parents (that’s the ability to manage your own emotions, thoughts, and behaviour) is strongly linked to parenting that’s warm, supportive, and responsive.

In a 2024 systematic review published in Psychological Reports, researchers found that higher levels of parental self-regulation were associated with more confident, consistent, and sensitive caregiving. Parents with strong self-regulation skills were better able to adjust to their child’s emotional needs and less likely to fall into reactive or permissive parenting patterns (Geurts et al., 2024).

So how do we maintain our ability to self regulate? Well, it doesn't just magically appear—it requires rest, emotional space, and time to reset. In other words, the stuff we tend to label as “self-care” isn’t fluff. It’s foundational.

#selfcare

So, No—You Don't Need to Do It All

You don't need to crush Pinterest-level birthday parties, keep a spotless house, feed everyone gluten-free quinoa kale bombs, and never raise your voice. That’s not the job. That was never the job.

The perfect mom will not have it all together, but she will always be there, in some form.

The job is to keep being able to show up—emotionally, physically, mentally—and sometimes that means you do the thing that lets you refill just a little. Not because you're the star of the show. But because you're part of the cast that can't run without you.

This Isn’t About Putting Yourself “First”

I don’t love the language of “put yourself first.” It feels... off. Most parents I know aren’t wired that way anyway. We’re more of the “I’ll eat the burnt toast and call it gourmet” variety.

So no, I’m not suggesting you shove your family’s needs aside and ride off on a self-care retreat (unless that’s your jam—no judgment).

What I am saying is: you matter too. And that little sliver of time you carve out for a walk, a rest, a laugh, or just staring into space while drinking your own cup of tea? That’s not indulgent. It’s strategic. And remember, self-care comes in many forms and is very individualistic. So stay open to whatever works …

Take Yourself Off the Hook (Gently)

So if you’re like me today—run-down, stretched thin, or just overwhelmed by the everyday—here’s your permission to let a few things slide (including the writing of a shorter blog). To call it in. To not be amazing- at least for today ;)

You’re human. And humans need restoration. Not as a reward. As a requirement.

You already know how to do it. You just might need the reminder that you’re allowed to.

Take care and Godspeed,

Caelah (currently recovering with cough drops , couch naps, and zero apologies)

Mayhem: Managing Sibling Drama Without Losing Your Sanity- Thanks, ABA!

I grew up in a big family — the middle child in a loud, messy, and fiercely loyal pack of six kids (where I was allowed to wail on my brother, but no one else better touch him- that kind of loyalty) .

Sibling loyalty. Wednesday gets it.

We were rambunctious, stubborn, sometimes mildly violent, and almost always in each other’s business (my poor mother!) . Herding six strong-willed personalities was no small task, and I remember my mother pulling every parenting trick she could find (and a few she invented on the fly).

Looking back now, what amazes me most isn’t just that she kept us alive — it’s that she, along with my dad, somehow managed to build something lasting between us: a bond that has only grown stronger as the years have passed.

When we lost our mom in 2007, and our dad not long after in 2013, that bond mattered more than ever. Grieving them was — and still is — its own kind of heartbreak. But having each other softened the edges. The way we fell into laughter over old stories, the way we knew exactly what needed to be said (or not said) — it didn’t erase the loss, but it reminded me of the gift our parents gave us: each other.

Since then, we’ve made it a tradition to gather once a year, just the six of us, for what we call "Sibling Weekend." No partners, no kids — just us. We spend the weekend talking, laughing, and simply being together — messy, clumsy, imperfect, and completely ourselves. It’s one of the things I treasure most in my life.

Sibling love is a strange and wonderful kind of love — it knows your worst moments and loves you anyway. It’s the kind of bond that doesn’t disappear when the people who built your family are gone. It lives on.

So, this blog is deeply personal to me. I write it with the hope that other parents can help that same kind of bond grow between their own little ones — a bond that will outlast childhood squabbles and teenage eye rolls. Because one day, when we as parents are no longer the ones reminding our children how wonderful, capable, and deeply loved they are, their siblings will still be there. A source of love, a reminder of who they are, and a piece of home they can carry with them always.

Sibling Relationships: Tiny Training Grounds for Life

Sibling relationships are some of the most important (and complicated) ones kids will ever have. They teach negotiation, compromise, empathy, and the critical life skill of learning to share the last cookie without declaring full-blown war.

And while some sibling squabbling is as natural as breathing, there’s a lot you can do — using ideas rooted in Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) — to create a home where connection and cooperation can bloom.

Here’s a gameplan to help nurture that sibling love, even when it’s buried under a pile of Lego pieces and arguments over who touched who first.

1. Set Clear Expectations (and Reinforce the Good Stuff)

First things first: kids aren’t born knowing how to be good siblings. “Play nice with your sister” is about as clear as telling someone to "just drive responsibly" without teaching them what a turn signal is.

While this is arguably one of the most precious scenes in cinematic history, the message for young Drew Barrymore was vague.

From an ABA perspective, behaviour thrives when expectations are clear and reinforced. Start by defining exactly what "being a good sibling" looks like in your house- basically we are setting the foundation here in good manners. For example:

• Asking to borrow toys instead of grabbing them

• Using kind words during disagreements

• Inviting each other to play

• Helping each other with tasks

Once you’ve set these expectations, catch them doing it right! Praise, high-fives, or even a quick, "I love how you shared with your brother just now!" can go a long way. Positive reinforcement strengthens the behaviours you want to see — much more effectively than lecturing about what went wrong.

Pro tip: Be specific with your praise. “Good job” is nice, but “I love how you asked first before taking the toy — that was super kind!” tells them exactly what behaviour to keep doing.

2. Teach Conflict Resolution Like It’s a Skill (Because It Is)

When kids fight, it’s tempting to swoop in, separate them, and play judge and jury. (“You! Time out. You! Give back the dinosaur. Everyone stop yelling!”)

But if the goal is to build long-term skills, not just survive the moment, we need to teach them how to handle disagreements. Treat conflict resolution like any other life skill, using:

• Modelling ("Let’s practice what it sounds like to tell your sister you’re upset without shouting.")

• Role-playing ("Pretend your brother took your toy — what could you say?")

• Prompting ("Try telling him, ‘I don’t like that. Please give it back.’”)

Then, of course, reinforce even tiny efforts toward calm communication. It’s about practice, not perfection.

And yes, you might feel like a broken record sometimes. That’s okay. Broken records still get the song across. You may notice that some of the points I am making here are also verrry similar to points made in previous blogs (repetition, repetition, repetition...)

Think about how many times Splinter had to talk to these boys about conflict and resolution! Results speak for themselves. ;)

3. Create Opportunities for Positive Interaction

In ABA, we talk a lot about antecedent strategies — setting up the environment to make good behaviour more likely. When it comes to siblings, that means planning positive interactions instead of waiting and hoping they happen naturally (spoiler alert: they often don’t).

Here are some easy ways to set them up for success:

• Collaborative games (think building a puzzle together, not just side-by-side play)

• Shared projects (baking cookies, building a blanket fort, making a silly home movie, creating a dance routine to get on Dick Clark's New years Rockin' Eve)

• Team missions ("Can you guys work together to clean up the playroom in five minutes? I’ll time you!")

Shared goals! Getting on Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve

The more positive shared experiences they rack up, the more they start to associate each other with good feelings — instead of just “the person who stole my chair.”

4. Build Camaraderie with a Common “Enemy” (Spoiler: It’s the parents)

Here’s a little secret: nothing bonds siblings faster than teaming up against a bigger force — and if you’re willing to play along, that force can be you.

In the spirit of good fun (and skill-building), give your kids harmless reasons to conspire together. When siblings share a goal — even if it’s just trying to stay up past bedtime without you catching them — they build trust, teamwork, and a shared sense of adventure.

Some ways to strategically become the “lovable villain”:

• Play dumb when they “trick” you into letting them have two bedtime stories instead of one.

• Create fake "missions" where they have to outsmart you, like scavenger hunts or secret handshake challenges.

• Celebrate their teamwork, even when you “lose” — nothing bonds siblings like the shared thrill of a victorious heist (even if it’s just sneaking cookies).

Want to take it to the next level? Turn it into a skill-building exercise:

• Challenge them to work together to make a persuasive argument. Example: "If you and your sibling can come up with a good, respectful rebuttal on why you should get a later curfew, we’re willing to hear it." (this is especially effective for teens and fosters that lookin' out for each other mentality)

• This kind of "mission" teaches communication, negotiation, collaboration, and perspective-taking — all while deepening their bond.

Plus, it gives them a safe, fun outlet to "beat the system" (the 'rents) in a way that actually builds life skills — and a lifelong friendship.

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991). Burying a body... teaches all the above skills and bonds siblings. However, not the recommended method to achieve this. ;)

5. Avoid Playing Referee (Most of the Time)

This one’s tough, but hear me out: when safe to do so, let kids work out minor disagreements on their own.

If you jump in to solve every little squabble, you unintentionally reinforce tattling, escalating behaviour ("Moooom, she looked at me!"), and you rob them of the chance to practice those conflict skills you're teaching.

Instead, try:

• Staying neutral: "It sounds like you two are having a hard time. Let me know if you need help finding a solution."

• Praising problem-solving: "I noticed you figured out how to take turns without arguing — that’s awesome!"

Of course, if it gets physical or genuinely unsafe, you step in. But for the "he’s breathing too loudly" type battles? Let them sweat it out a bit. It builds resilience.

6. Celebrate the Wins — Big and Small

Finally, don’t wait for some magical day when your kids skip through a meadow hand-in-hand before celebrating their relationship.

Notice and reinforce the small wins:

• The three minutes they played without fighting

• The apology (even if it was mumbled into the carpet)

• The random high-five during a board game

• OR allowing them to build bunk beds so they can have more fun in their room together.

  
  

  Reinforcing hanging out by allowing some novel ways to spend time together.

Building strong sibling bonds is a marathon, not a sprint. Every small positive interaction matters — and over time, those tiny bricks build something sturdy and lasting.

(Also, one day when they’re adults, and you hear them laughing together over inside jokes, you’ll know it was all worth it.)

Final Thoughts

Siblings will argue. They’ll steal toys, tattle, and occasionally believe with their whole hearts that they’ve been wronged beyond repair over who got the bigger pancake.

But with clear expectations, lots of positive reinforcement, intentional teaching, a dash of clever team-building (at your own expense), and a good sense of humour, you can help lay the groundwork for a relationship that’s less WWE Smackdown and more we’re-in-this-together.

And hey — if nothing else, at least you’re raising kids who know how to apologize, work as a team, and maybe, just maybe, share the last cookie without a fight.

(Probably.)

Motivation: That Elusive Unicorn of Parenting

Some mornings, it feels like everything is a battle. Getting out the door, brushing teeth, starting homework, finishing chores... you name it. You ask, they groan. You remind, they vanish. You offer to help, they act like you’ve suggested something wildly unreasonable—like emptying the dishwasher and breathing at the same time.

The kicker? It’s usually not even a hard task. You’re not asking them to solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded. You're just trying to get a sock on a foot. Or a plate into a dishwasher. Or—dare we dream?—a backpack zipped without a lecture on how backpacks are, apparently, “useless and bad for shoulders.”

And yet… no dice.

It’s easy to think, “My kid just isn’t motivated.” And honestly? Sometimes that’s true.

But here’s the thing I wish someone had told me earlier: motivation isn’t a fixed trait. It's not something your kid either has or doesn’t. It's not buried deep inside them waiting to be discovered by a Disney song montage.

Motivation is something you can actually create.

And in ABA, we call that contriving motivation. It’s not magic. It’s not manipulation. It’s just learning how to set up the environment in a way that makes doing the thing more likely—because something valuable comes after, or because you’ve made the task a bit less awful, or because you’ve handed them a little control over how it happens.

It’s about playing the long game—nudging things into place so that the desired behavior is the easiest, most appealing choice in that moment. Even if that moment is 7:58 a.m. and the school bell rings in two minutes.

So let’s break it down.

Motivation vs Reinforcement (Quick Refresher)

You’ve probably already read or heard a bit about reinforcement—basically, when a behaviour leads to a consequence that makes it more likely to happen again.

But here’s the wrinkle: reinforcement only works if your kid cares about the thing they’re getting.

That’s where motivation comes in.

Motivation is what makes the reinforcer actually reinforcing. If your kid just ate a huge snack, offering a cookie for cleaning up probably won’t land. If your teen has had six hours of screen time already, promising “more screen time” to get them to do homework is… unlikely to spark joy.

So when we say “contrive motivation,” we’re really talking about how to make the reinforcer matter right now, in this moment, for this task.

Let’s get into the how.

Important crumb-y bits down there. Me suggest you scroll before me eat them!

1. Make the Good Stuff Conditional (But Not Weird About It)

If the reinforcer is always available—screens, snacks, toys, whatever your kid’s into—they have no reason to do anything to earn it. It’s like offering someone a gold star for breathing.

This doesn’t mean you should lock away the tablet like it’s crown evidence. It just means that access to the good stuff comes after the thing you need them to do.

• “Sure, you can have your screen time—right after you take out the recycling.”

• “Yes, snack time! Let’s pick up first.”

And no, this isn’t bribery. Bribery is what you offer during a meltdown to make it stop. This is reinforcement (please see my previous blog on "Reinforcement: No. It's not a bribe!"). It’s planned. It’s predictable. It’s the “this is how our house works” system.

If you’re thinking “Wow, that sounds boringly consistent,” yes. Yes, it is. And it works.

2. Don’t Make It Miserable

Sometimes the task is just… unappealing. Especially when you’re six and being asked to match socks. Or fifteen and being asked to write an essay on symbolism in Merchant of Venice.

You can’t always make the task fun, but you can usually make it less awful.

• Turn it into a race against a timer.

• Let them blast music while doing it.

• Offer to do part of it with them (then back off once they get going).

It’s not about tricking them into loving chores. It’s about lowering the “ugh” factor enough that they’re willing to give it a go.

3. Use Choices Like a Jedi

I have a whole theory how reinforcement is like the force. "Surrounds us. Binds us." I will save that for another blog. ;)

When kids feel like they have no control, they resist. Hard. Even if what you’re asking is reasonable, the lack of autonomy triggers that beautiful, time-honoured response: “You can’t make me.”

Choices sidestep that. They give your child a sense of control within boundaries you’ve already set.

• “Do you want to start with math or reading?”

• “You can clean your room now or after lunch. What works better?”

• “You want to take a shower before or after watching your show?”

The goal isn’t to give them total freedom—it’s to let them steer the ship you’ve already charted.

4. Start Small. Like, Really Small.

Motivation tends to go up when tasks feel doable. And a lot of the time, our kids aren’t saying “no” because they’re lazy—they’re saying “no” because it feels too big or vague.

“Clean your room” can mean five different things depending on the day and the kid. And that ambiguity? Instant shutdown.

Try:

• “Let’s start with picking up the dirty laundry.”

• “Can you move the dishes to the sink?”

• “Just write one sentence. Then let’s check in.”

Once they start, momentum takes over. This isn’t a trick—this is how brains work. And yeah, it works on adults, too. (Ask me about the number of times I’ve gone to just put away some dishes and then ended up scrubbing the whole kitchen.)

5. Pair Yourself With the Good Stuff

Orange Mocha Frappuccino!

In ABA, we talk about “pairing” a lot—it just means creating a positive association with you, or the activity, or both. So your presence doesn’t automatically signal “Ugh, time to do something I hate.” In counselling, it is often referred to as rapport building.

You don’t have to become a clown or motivational speaker. Just be present, positive, and maybe a little silly—before making the request.

• Chat about something they like for a minute before starting a chore.

• Join in at the beginning of a tough task.

• Give a high-five or a “you got this” instead of diving straight into the to-do list.

You’re not making the job disappear—you’re just lowering the temperature before turning on the heat.

What About Teenagers?

Teenagers are still very much reward-driven creatures, but you’ve got to be more subtle about it—or risk the dreaded eye-roll.

They’re not going to clean their room for stickers, but they might do it to earn:

• Extra time out with friends

• A later curfew

• Driving privileges

• Their phone not being a decorative item on top of the fridge

And yes, all the same principles apply:

• Reserve the good stuff until the work is done.

• Offer choices wherever possible.

• Break down tasks.

• Respect their space (and their playlist choices, within reason).

Pro tip: Letting them earn more of something they already value often lands better than threatening to take it away. Motivation goes up, power struggle goes down.

Final Thoughts: Motivation Is Just One More Thing We Can Build

It’s easy to feel stuck when your child (or teen) doesn’t seem to care. But motivation isn’t something you wait around for—it’s something you can create through small, steady changes to your routines and expectations.

It doesn’t mean everything will be smooth. It just means you’re not flying blind.

You’ve got tools now:

• Use reinforcement intentionally.

• Make tasks approachable.

• Offer choices that still serve your goal.

• Keep the good stuff valuable.

• And maybe—just maybe—reframe “lack of motivation” as a puzzle to solve, not a flaw in your kid.

Just remember: motivation is a skill, not magic. But hey, if magic shows up, use that too.

"Pass on what you have learned."