Why Does My Kid Do That?

A Fun (and Slightly Sarcastic) Guide to ABA Functions of Behavior and What That Behaviour is Communicating.

I recently had a friend reach out, looking for tips on how to respond to her little one’s hitting. It seemed totally random—like one moment, they’re happily playing, and the next, wham!—there’s a hit. The family is doing their best, trying to teach 'gentle touch,' but the hitting persists. I know how frustrating this can be for parents—feeling like you're doing something wrong or like you missed a parenting memo. But here’s the truth: It’s easy to think the behavior is coming out of nowhere, but every little thing your child does is actually communicating something. Even that seemingly random hit.

Instead of feeling defeated, take a deep breath and remember: your kid isn’t plotting world domination (unless their name is Stewie Griffin) —this behavior is trying to tell you something.

Parenting is basically a game of decoding tiny, emotionally-charged puzzles, and here’s where Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) comes in with some answers.

We love puzzles, and our secret to understanding what your child is trying to say through their behavior lies in knowing the four functions of behavior—a fancy way of saying the reasons kids (yes, and adults) do what they do. Think of these functions like universal translators, helping you decode what your child might be trying to communicate.

If we understand why a behavior is happening, we can actually do something about it instead of just throwing snacks at the problem (which, let’s face it, is sometimes still a valid strategy).

When you can't say the words, you find another way to convey the message. ;)

The Four Functions of Behavior (AKA- Why Your Kid is Acting Like That)

1. Attention – “Look at me! Look at me! Look at me RIGHT NOW!”

Ever notice how your child turns into a Broadway performer the second you answer a phone call, or saves their most dramatic moments for when you're busy? That’s classic attention-seeking behavior! If your child’s constantly interrupting, acting goofy, or cranking up the noise, they’re probably trying to grab your attention. The key is figuring out if it happens when you're tied up—like on a call, working, or just trying to enjoy your coffee—or if they’re trying to engage you in some specific way (like peppering you with questions, trying to start a random conversation or making that face that just demands a reaction).

This resonates with every mom I know.

What the Behavior Is Communicating: Your child might be telling you, “Hey, I need attention RIGHT NOW!” And no, it doesn’t always mean they’re trying to drive you crazy on purpose. It’s just their little way of saying, “Hey, I need a connection!” Kids often turn to behavior to get that connection, whether it’s positive or negative. It’s like their way of waving their arms and saying, “Pick me! Pick me!”

🔹 Parent Pro Tip: 

• Provide positive attention (get in front of the challenging behaviour by responding to them BEFORE the behaviour happens): When your child is engaging in appropriate behavior (like sharing or playing quietly), be sure to give them plenty of positive attention. Praise them for those positive actions, so they know what gets them the attention they want.

• Teach them more appropriate ways to ask for attention: Encourage your child to use words or gestures to ask for your attention instead of using disruptive behavior (e.g. prompting to say “excuse me”). You can practice together, and soon they’ll learn that asking politely gets better results than acting out.

2. Escape – “Nope, not today, Mom.”

Ever hand your child a worksheet and suddenly they desperately need a snack, a nap, or to reorganize their sock drawer? That’s escape behavior. My daughter literally has a "dinner pee" every evening right after she has eaten everything preferred on her plate and before she must dive into the mandatory healthy, nonpreferred items.

If your child is whining, throwing a fit, or running away from something, they’re probably trying to escape. Bedtime meltdowns, tantrums at cleanup time, or the classic “fake sick” move are all telltale signs they’re looking for an exit strategy.

John Hughes truly understood adolescence.

What the Behavior Is Communicating: Your child is telling you, “I don’t want to do this!” It could be because the task feels overwhelming, boring, or simply something they don’t enjoy. Escape behavior often happens in situations that kids find frustrating or difficult.

🔹 Parent Pro Tip: 

• Break tasks into smaller steps: If your child is avoiding a task, try breaking it down into smaller, more manageable steps. For example, instead of saying, “Clean up your room,” try, “Let’s put all the cars in the box first,” and then praise them when they do it.

• Use a visual schedule: Sometimes kids avoid tasks because they don’t know what to expect. A visual schedule can help them know what’s coming up next and reduce anxiety. For example, if your child resists bedtime, use a schedule that shows the steps (like brushing teeth, reading a story, and going to bed) to make the process feel more predictable and less stressful.

• Give them a choice: Offering choices within the task can reduce the likelihood of avoidance behavior. For example, “Do you want to put the toys away first or your books?” Giving them control over how the task is done helps them feel empowered.

• Realistic Expectations: If you do notice escape behavior popping up frequently around the same or similar tasks, take a moment to check if what you're asking is actually manageable for your child—because what’s a “piece of cake” for one kid might be a full-on a mountain climb for another.

  
  

3. Access to Tangibles – “I want it, and I want it NOW.”

Tantrum over a toy or screaming for a cookie? That’s the "I WANT IT" behavior. Kids will go all out—tears, yelling, or full limp noodle mode—to get what they want, and if it works, they’ll try it again next time.

You’ll spot it when they’re grabbing, hitting, whining, or throwing a tantrum over something they want, like that toy or a cookie!

I think the communication is clear here.

What the Behavior Is Communicating: Your child is telling you, “I want that thing, and I want it now!” The behavior is a way of communicating that they desire access to a specific object or activity.

🔹 Parent Pro Tip: 

• Teach Patience: Encourage your child to ask politely for things and reinforce the magic of waiting. For example, you can say, “If you can wait just one minute, I’ll give you the toy.” This teaches them that waiting gets them what they want—without the dramatic “I must have it NOW” performance.

• Teach Turn-Taking: When the opportunity arises, sit down with your child and their sibling (or friend, if you’re lucky) and practice taking turns with toys. Use phrases like “my turn” and “your turn.” This is a golden opportunity to praise good behavior and keep it fun!

• Use reinforcement: When your child engages in positive behaviors (like using words instead of whining), reinforce that behavior with praise or a small reward. This helps them learn that asking calmly leads to getting what they want.

• Offer alternatives: If your child is throwing a tantrum because they can’t have something, offer them a choice of something else they can do. This gives them a sense of control while still redirecting the behavior.

• Have an Exit Strategy for Public Meltdowns: Set expectations before you even leave the car, so you’re not caught off guard when the public meltdown begins. If you need to leave the store before finishing your to-do list, that’s fine—sometimes survival is the top priority. Just make sure you have a plan so you can respond instead of reacting when things go haywire in the middle of aisle 7.

4. Sensory (Automatic Reinforcement) – “Because it feels good.”

Some behaviors happen simply because they feel good. If your child seems to be engaging in repetitive behaviors like spinning in circles, tapping, hair twirling, flapping their hands, or jumping up and down, they might be seeking sensory input. Sometimes the behaviour may even appear in repetitive scripting of favorite shows or songs. These behaviors serve an internal need, and are often calming or enjoyable for the individual. No amount of bribing or scolding will change that.

What the Behavior Is Communicating: Your child is saying, “This feels good!” Sensory-seeking behaviors help your child regulate their emotions or just get the sensory stimulation they crave.

🔹 Parent Pro Tip: 

• Provide alternative sensory input: If your child is engaging in sensory-seeking behavior that may be interferring with their day-to-day functioning (running laps around a classroom, jumping off chairs, etc.), provide an alternative. For example, offer them a stress ball to squeeze, a fidget spinner, or time on a swing or trampoline. These items can help fulfill their sensory needs in a way that’s more socially appropriate.

• Create a sensory-friendly space: If your child is seeking sensory input, it might help to create a calming space where they can engage in activities like swinging, jumping on a trampoline, or playing with sensory bins filled with rice or water beads. This allows them to self-regulate in a controlled environment.

Why Does Investigating the Function Matter?

Guessing why a child behaves a certain way is like playing charades—blindfolded—in the dark. Misreading the behavior can make things worse. For example, imagine your toddler keeps knocking over their sibling’s block tower. You assume they’re just being a troublemaker and put them in timeout. But what if they just want to join in but don’t know how? Now they’ve learned that approaching others gets them punished, instead of learning a better way to engage.

Understanding the function of behavior helps you respond with solutions instead of frustration.

Final Thoughts (and a Pep Talk)

Kids aren’t little villains plotting your demise—again, unless we're talking about Stewie Griffin, but that's a special case. They're just tiny humans trying to figure out how the world works.

Once you start thinking of behavior as communication, it will start to make a lot more sense. So, next time your child acts out, pause and ask yourself, “What are they trying to tell me?” and consider the function. It might just be the key to solving the issue and making parenting a lot easier (and dare I say, more fun). You've got this. 🚀

In the meantime....

Continues to plot world domination.