Is It Emotion Regulation or Denial Tolerance I Need to Work on With My Kid? (Or... Is It Both?)

A friend reached out to me recently, looking for support with her child’s behaviour. Most of my work tends to be with families of children with Autism, so she admitted she’d been a bit hesitant to ask—her child has an ADHD diagnosis, and she wasn’t sure if what I do would apply.

What I love about ABA is that diagnosis is just one small ingredient in the recipe of behaviour.

I’ve worked with families from all kinds of backgrounds—neurotypical, neurodivergent, with mental health concerns—and the behaviour patterns we see often show up across the board. What I heard from her was something I’ve heard from many parents, regardless of diagnosis and why I decided to write a little blog about it.

She and her husband had been trying all the strategies they’d learned to help their son regulate his emotions. They were consistent, patient, and supportive. But when I asked—because I always ask—what actually triggered the outburst, she said it happened right after he was told “no.”

That’s when a lightbulb went off.

They weren’t necessarily using the wrong strategies, but maybe they were focusing on the wrong skill.

I’ve seen this boy struggle with things like throwing a basketball or trying to keep up with friends on their bikes—and in those moments, there’s no dysregulation. He perseveres, pushes harder. But when he’s told “no” or asked to wait? That’s when the outbursts begin—starting with repeated requesting, then yelling, stomping, clutching a parent’s leg, sometimes escalating into a full meltdown that ends with a reprimand or being sent to his room.

I’ve seen this same pattern in neurotypical kids and autistic kids too. It made me wonder: are parents being told to teach emotion regulation when what their child really needs is support with denial tolerance?

And if that’s the case… how do we teach a child to accept “no” and “wait”?

What skill needs to be taught here - emotion regulation or denial tolerance... and to who? haha

What’s the Difference Between Emotion Regulation and Denial Tolerance?

Let’s simplify this. Emotion regulation is the ability to recognize, label, and manage emotions like frustration, sadness, or anxiety. Denial tolerance, on the other hand, is the skill of handling not getting what you want, especially when a parent says “no” or “not yet.”

They look similar on the surface—both can involve tears, meltdowns, yelling—but they’re not the same. And mistaking one for the other can leave parents spinning their wheels, teaching coping skills that aren’t quite hitting the mark.

Think of it this way:

• If your child falls apart after struggling with a task, you might be looking at emotion regulation.

• If your child falls apart after being told no, or when they can’t have something they want right now, you're likely looking at denial tolerance.

Why Does This Matter?

Because different problems need different solutions.

If we’re teaching deep breathing, counting to 10, or labelling emotions—but the real trigger is “I didn’t get my way”—then we’re digging in the wrong spot. Calm-down tools are great, but only when they match the function of the behaviour. Otherwise, we risk offering a solution that looks helpful on the surface… but ends up being a really bad date (clip below for the subtle reference). Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) helps us get clear on the why behind behaviour, so we’re not just reacting—we’re actually teaching the right skills, in the right moment, for the right reasons.

When you miss the function, even good strategies go bad. (Like... deadly-fruit bad)

So What Do You Do Instead?

Let’s look at a simple example.

A parent tells their child they can't buy a toy at the store. The child begins to whine, then stomp, then cry, and eventually scream in the aisle. The parent might respond with explanations (“We can’t afford it today”), redirection (“Let’s go look at snacks”), or logic (“You already have ten of these at home”). But if the child keeps escalating and the parent eventually gives in (even with alternate item or option)... guess what got reinforced?

Yup. That outburst.

But if we plan ahead and teach that “no” doesn’t mean “never,” we can build something better.

What Parents Can Try Right Now

1. Prime for Success

Strategize moments when you know you’re about to be the “bad cop.” Take a moment to sit down with your coffee some morning and think about the predictable times when you find yourself saying no. Great examples: the dollar store, sitting bored at an appointment, visiting a relative’s house with no toys. Now, next time, before going in, prep your child.

Try this:

👉 “Billy, we’re going into the dollar store. I know how much you like the toys, but we can’t get one today. We’ll get what we need and head home—then you can keep playing with your LEGO set. Are you ready?”

This simple moment of priming does a few powerful things:

• If Billy is going to lose it, he’ll do it before you even enter—giving you the space to respond calmly and without scrutiny. Public outbursts can make parents feel judged and overwhelmed, often prompting a quick fix to stop the meltdown rather than a moment to teach.

• It gives him a roadmap: “No” is coming. If he can handle it, something fun still awaits.

• The question “Are you ready?” acts like a warning bell. It’s his cue to prep for disappointment and try to hold it together.

Duke Caboom: primed, poised, and ready to fly — because every great jump starts with a little prep. Yes you CANada!

2. Shape the Response—Catch the Pause!

Once you’ve delivered your “no,” watch like a hawk.

If Billy starts to pout or pauses just before the expected meltdown— That pause? That’s gold—the teaching moment you’ve been waiting for.

Say (in that pause):

👉 “Billy, I’m so proud! You heard ‘no’ and stayed calm. You know what? I changed my mind. Let’s go pick a small toy because you did so well.”

You’ve just reinforced the pause—the exact spot where he normally explodes. That’s shaping. And it literally might be a second or less after you have said the no. That’s ok! It’s not about perfection. It’s about catching the small improvements and rewarding the heck out of them in the moment.

And that reinforcement? It is your response- you have suddenly said yes when Billy was not expecting it, and his behaviour was different then it normally is when you say yes. The immediacy is the teaching.

She caught the pause, reinforced the calm, and boom—girls’ night access unlocked.

3. Build Denial Tolerance Over Time- using shaping again

Next time he asks for something, extend the wait—that’s the shaping. Think of it like working out. In week one, you might lift 5 lbs. By week two, you're up to 8 or 10. Same goes for waiting: we're building those “wait muscles” so your child can eventually tolerate a full “no” without melting down.

So, how do we stretch that wait time? Maybe after hearing “no,” Billy has to calmly walk to another aisle. That’s your moment!

👉 “We can’t get one today. Let’s head home.”

If he walks away without fussing, jump on it:

👉 “Billy, you stayed so calm after hearing ‘no.’ I’m really proud of you. When we get home, let’s have some ice cream!”

(Or whatever treat fits—lactose-intolerant kids deserve celebration too.    )

Over time, stretch the delay. Maybe the reward happens hours later. Maybe it becomes something vague like, “Next time we come here, we’ll see.”

That’s called intermittent reinforcement—and it’s powerful. It mimics how real life works: sometimes you get what you want, sometimes you don’t. But the people who do best? They’re the ones who can handle hearing “no” and keep moving.

That’s the world you’re preparing your child for.

What if it’s both?

So, is it emotion regulation… or denial tolerance? Or both?

Billy taking a deep breath after being told “no” is him using his emotion regulations skills that you spent hours coaching him on. You reinforcing that alternate behaviour response (deep breath) immediately is the first step to teaching denial tolerance. With the right tools, you can teach both. And when you do, your child doesn’t just survive those tricky moments—they grow through them.

What If Nothing Seems to Work?

If your child seems to struggle no matter what strategies you try, don’t lose hope.

ABA can help identify:

• What specific situations trigger the outbursts.

• Whether the child’s behaviour is about denial, emotional overload, sensory input, or something else.

• How to teach replacement behaviours or coping in small, doable steps at your child’s pace that build real skills over time.

Final Thoughts

Teaching kids to ride out a “no” is just as powerful as teaching them to calm down after one.

Both skills matter. And neither comes easy.

So, if you’ve been doing the work—coaching, modeling, deep breathing, staying calm—and your child still melts down after a boundary… it might be time to zoom out.

You’re not doing it wrong. You might just be focusing on the wrong skill. So the question becomes

…am I teaching the right skill for the right moment?

That was the question I started asking myself after chatting with my friend. She had done everything “right”—taught the calming strategies, practiced them, reinforced them—but the meltdowns still came every time her son heard “no.” That’s when it hit me: maybe it wasn’t a regulation problem… maybe it was a denial tolerance problem.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is reframe the challenge, tweak the approach, and look a little deeper. And when we do, we’re not just avoiding meltdowns—we’re helping our kids grow into flexible, resilient humans who can handle life’s ups, downs, and “not todays.”

So next time you hear “just teach them to self-regulate,” Smile politely and ask, ‘Or is it time to teach them how to hear no?’