Self-Care Isn’t a Luxury—It’s the Maintenance You Deserve.

(A letter to parents from someone currently wearing 3 layers and a hoodie indoors)

Dear Keeper of the Snacks, the Schedules, and the Last Nerve- also known as "the parent",

Right now, as I write this, I am wrapped in a blanket burrito, wearing socks, and a hoodie, wondering how my body can feel simultaneously feverish and freezing. I’ve got a head cold, and frankly, I’m not winning any parenting awards today.

There are dishes in the sink ( I don't care). The to-do list has gone rogue (nothing is getting done) . There is a mountain of Kleenex and bags of Halls menthol wrappers scattered across my coffee table, and I’m pretty sure someone ate cereal for dinner last night (maybe me).

But being this run-down reminded me of something I wanted to say—something that might be more important than whatever you were supposed to cross off your list today.

You’re allowed to care for yourself without making it a federal case. In fact, you kind of have to.

Before we go any further, let me be clear: this is not a "how to self-care" blog. You don’t need another person telling you to light a candle, take a bath, or download yet another mindfulness app you’ll forget exists by next Tuesday.

You already know what helps you reset—whether it's movement, quiet, laughter, or just 10 minutes alone in your car scrolling cat memes in silence (true story- ask my friends who are on the receiving end of many cat memes via Instagram). This isn’t about what you do. It’s about why it matters.

Let’s Talk Oxygen Masks

You know that classic airplane metaphor, right? The one where they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before assisting others? It’s a cliché because it’s true.

But here's the part they don’t emphasize enough: If you pass out from lack of oxygen trying to help everyone else first, you can't help anyone. You're out. Game over. Someone else has to step in.

That’s not weakness. That’s biology.

The parenting version of this is running on fumes while trying to be everything for everyone, then wondering why you're burned out, irritable, and sobbing quietly while folding socks.

You weren’t meant to run like this. No one was.

Forget the oxygen masks!

Here’s the Science-y Bit (Stay With Me)

We know instinctively that being emotionally worn down makes it harder to parent the way we want to—but the science backs it up too. Self-regulation in parents (that’s the ability to manage your own emotions, thoughts, and behaviour) is strongly linked to parenting that’s warm, supportive, and responsive.

In a 2024 systematic review published in Psychological Reports, researchers found that higher levels of parental self-regulation were associated with more confident, consistent, and sensitive caregiving. Parents with strong self-regulation skills were better able to adjust to their child’s emotional needs and less likely to fall into reactive or permissive parenting patterns (Geurts et al., 2024).

So how do we maintain our ability to self regulate? Well, it doesn't just magically appear—it requires rest, emotional space, and time to reset. In other words, the stuff we tend to label as “self-care” isn’t fluff. It’s foundational.

#selfcare

So, No—You Don't Need to Do It All

You don't need to crush Pinterest-level birthday parties, keep a spotless house, feed everyone gluten-free quinoa kale bombs, and never raise your voice. That’s not the job. That was never the job.

The perfect mom will not have it all together, but she will always be there, in some form.

The job is to keep being able to show up—emotionally, physically, mentally—and sometimes that means you do the thing that lets you refill just a little. Not because you're the star of the show. But because you're part of the cast that can't run without you.

This Isn’t About Putting Yourself “First”

I don’t love the language of “put yourself first.” It feels... off. Most parents I know aren’t wired that way anyway. We’re more of the “I’ll eat the burnt toast and call it gourmet” variety.

So no, I’m not suggesting you shove your family’s needs aside and ride off on a self-care retreat (unless that’s your jam—no judgment).

What I am saying is: you matter too. And that little sliver of time you carve out for a walk, a rest, a laugh, or just staring into space while drinking your own cup of tea? That’s not indulgent. It’s strategic. And remember, self-care comes in many forms and is very individualistic. So stay open to whatever works …

Take Yourself Off the Hook (Gently)

So if you’re like me today—run-down, stretched thin, or just overwhelmed by the everyday—here’s your permission to let a few things slide (including the writing of a shorter blog). To call it in. To not be amazing- at least for today ;)

You’re human. And humans need restoration. Not as a reward. As a requirement.

You already know how to do it. You just might need the reminder that you’re allowed to.

Take care and Godspeed,

Caelah (currently recovering with cough drops , couch naps, and zero apologies)